Jokes : Too smart for the 1st Grade

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade. "The Teacher said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agreed. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why she asked such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes opened really wide but before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on three legs?"

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Little Johnny: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (The Principal was looking restless and bit tense)

Little Johnny: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates! I come with a quiver."

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his little ass in the fifth-grade. I got the last ten questions wrong myself.""

Current Financial Crisis explained in simple terms

One day, a plain-looking man came with a pretty-looking SYT (Sweet Young Thing) to the 'LOUIS VOTTON( LV)  store in  Causeway   Bay (Hong Kong Island.) He chose an expensive LV  bag worth
HKD 65,000 for the SYT.

When it came time to pay, the man took out a chequebook and wrote out a cheque.
The salesperson was hesitant because the couple hadn't shopped there before.

The man discerned what the salesperson was thinking and he said
calmly:'I sense that you are concerned that this
cheque may bounce, right?  Today is Saturday and the banks are closed.

Let me suggest that I leave the cheque and the handbag here. When the cheque clears on Monday, you can deliver the handbag to this lady.How about that?

The salesperson was reassured and gladly accepted the suggestion.In addition, he waived the delivery charges.He promised that he would personally make sure that this gets done.

On Monday, the salesperson took the cheque to the bank.  The cheque bounced!  The irate salesperson called up the client, who told  him:
'What is the big deal?  Neither you nor I have suffered any loss.
Last Saturday night, I went to bed and screwed that girl already!

Oh, by the way, I thank you for your cooperation.'

This story reveals the nature of the sub-prime mortgage crisis.  When
people have high hopes for huge future returns, they lower their guard about the potential risks. This pretty girl thought that the HKD65,000  LV  bag was going to come home on Monday, and so she lowered her guard.
Therefore, she believed that her investment in the ONS
(one night stand) was worth it even though it was based upon huge and highly uncertain risks.

Investment companies are great with packaging high return (but high
risk) deals.  The Chinese stock speculators are like this pretty woman.
As such, they deserve to lose money.  Without people like these, how are people going to make money from the stock market?

As for the media and the stock analysts, they often play the role of
the  LV  salesperson.

... he is right!

Due to budget cuts, this is new policy

Due to budget cuts, this is new policy 

EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 

I. Dress Code: 

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

II. Sick Days: 
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

III. Personal Days: 
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.   

IV. Bereavement Leave: 
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing  you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 

  
V. Bathroom Breaks: 
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. 
  

VI. Lunch Break: (Love this one) 

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. 

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. 


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 


The Management 
Pass this on to all who are employed!  

The Dirty Ernie Show Ep 1 (18+)

ELI'S DIRTY JOKES

polite ways to pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying,

'That would be rude and impolite.'

What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Stevie, can you use your brain for once and show us yourgood manners?

I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduceyou to after dinner.

Jokes: British English vs Malaysian English

Who says our English is teruk.? Just see below - Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give
me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?


WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u

Jokes: customer support

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:"Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared. "
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power....... ......... ......... ......... .... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!! !"

jokes: why marry?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


A Woman's Prayer:
"Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Jokes: Ah Beng story

Ah Beng is a bus driver; one day got this old folks home 'pao' his bus for a day trip to Pulau Ketam.

Sitting right behind the driver's seat is Grandma Sue and from his rear mirror Ah Beng can see that Grandma Sue is happily munching away..

In the middle of the road trip, Grandma Sue tapped Ah Beng on his shoulder and asked him...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma... yes I want!'

Then Ah Beng also happy happy munching peanuts... about 20 minutes down the road, Grandma Sue asked Ah Beng again...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma ... yes I want!'

To make the story short, this goes on for a few more times then Ah Beng finally asks Grandma Sue...

Ah Beng: 'Ah ma ah .! ... you dont eat peanuts one meh?'

Grandma: 'No... no eat! Ah ma boh teeth la!'

Ah Beng: 'Aiks! Boh teeth then why ah ma buy peanuts leh?'

Grandma: 'No choice leh! Just now that 7-11 is out of chocolate so ah ma kena buy this peanut chocolate lor! Ah ma lick the chocolate around the peanut and the peanut give you eat lor!'